


how to save a life

by eldritch_beau



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Beau the emotionally compromised, F/F, and Jester the mvp, im feeling TOO MUCH lads, so this episode was A LOT, spoilers for c2e93, them found family vibes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 06:08:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22491313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eldritch_beau/pseuds/eldritch_beau
Summary: Beau wonders what her life is worth
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 4
Kudos: 96





	how to save a life

**Author's Note:**

> an introspection fuelled by my angst-ridden curiosity

Beau doesn't know what else she can offer. The witch watches her with curious eyes and she has taken so much from her already that Beau has almost nothing to offer. And too much all the same. So she offers herself in isolation. The misery that will drag with the separation from her old family, her _new_ family and everything she has ever left behind, everything she has ever worked hard to achieve, anything molded with her very hands, with every bit of her heart, everything she has given her love her her life to build, she offers up every bit of herself… for her friend. 

So that her friend might get back the body she wants. So that her friend can live a life that makes her happy and Beau will take it, she will take the misery that is born from giving _so much_ that your insides feel worn out and empty and even then, she will continue giving if it only means that her friend will be safe. That her friends will be happy. Maybe they would all be happy without her. It’s a dangerous line of thought that only leads to dark places but she can’t help it. It comes in ebbs and tides but today in the middle of the woods, the middle of nowhere, when faced with the question of “ _What part of this do you think you deserve? What will it cost you?_ ” she has very simple answers. _Nothing._ And _Everything._

Maybe helping Nott is only an excuse. Maybe… maybe being alone is the only way. Because the thought of losing the Nein, of them being free and them being happy (without her) it hurts and it’s tangible, but a good reason to hurt. She will do it for them. Even if it means she won’t be around to see it. Because if she thinks for even a second about her father, her mother… her little brother whom she didn’t even know until…. _no._ She has already gotten more than her share of happiness, hasn’t she? It’s only fair. It’s a fair trade. She has… she is used to this. She knows what the loneliness feels like and being back here, in Kamordah, in the same tavern she used to steal booze from and the house the damned house from which her father threw her away, threw her towards the best thing that could ever have happened to her. Maybe she needs this group that they need her. And she always knew. She always knew coming back here, to Kamordah that she might lose it all, and for good. So why not? Why not for the lack of love but because of it? She loves them. She will do it. She doesn’t know how else to be with them, how will she ever repay them for being with her? For being her…. _friend._

So she tells them. When hard-pressed, she tells them the deal she offered to make with the hag. And she can’t look at any of them but she can feel Jester’s eyes on her, fiery and angry and… god knows what, Beau cannot look at her.

And Jester storms off, before anyone could even stop her and she’s in the door and the door’s shut and Beau has felt fear but never like this, never so strongly as the thought of Jester having to feel misery that could in part be akin to her own. But Jester’s gone and they’re waiting outside and Beau can’t move Beau can’t think. She has to prepare herself. She has to leave. It’s the only way she knows. Her friends will be better for it and if she loses her skills, her position everything she has bled and broken for… she can leave. And her friends will be better for it. _They will be better for it._

She tells herself that and it feels selfish to think that no, she could stay that she could have this family for a little while longer but such is the trail of the damned, of someone like her. She can linger… but she can never stay. And she has to come to terms with this before anyone else can offer their misery, before the people she loves can suffer when her suffering is the surest way to save them all. She will leave them. She will leave them better than she found them. 

But Jester’s back sooner than expected and.. and she’s rushing them away from the hut.

“Go, go!” she says, with an urgency that terrifies Beau. What did she offer? Is the deal already made? What did Jester offer? _It should’ve been me,_ Beau can’t help but think, _it should’ve been me, not you._

But Jester’s holding Beau’s hand and pulling at her and she gravitates towards Jester like it’s the only centre she’s ever known. There’s a telling confidence in the way Jester holds herself but also… fear. Whatever it is, Jester refuses to say but she holds Beau’s hand the entire time, her warm and steady palm enclosed around her shaky one, as they are running away. And there is a lot Jester isn’t saying, only holding Beau sure and steadfast, saving her from herself as they’re making their escape.

And Beau was ready to give it all away, unmake every bit of herself if that is what it will take. But the need to sacrifice, to… _give_ out of this tremendous guilt she feels… it lines with worry at the sight of Jester’s short gasps of relief, of tense smiles that look like they have been forged from a fragile truce. And Beau lets herself wonder if Jester did it, if Jester really outsmarted a witch who lives to trick and feed on the misery of others.

 _Did Jester win?_

Does that mean… _could_ it mean...?

and Beau hates it. Hates this treacherous hope taking root in her chest again, the fear that comes with having _something_ to lose, that while she’s ready to give every bit of herself away… she is also _desperately_ hoping that she won’t have to.


End file.
